Just buzzing in...

Thought I'd drop by my own blog and leave a few comments. Life is changing. I'm spending more time at home, and more time practicing the presence of God. It's been good. I'm learning to live on a smaller budget. I'm phasing out of most of my work at the kung fu school and I'm seriously considering giving up kung fu all together. Why? It keeps me out late at night, when I'd rather be decompressing at home. And it perpetuates an image of me as a highly aggressive person that I don't want to be. And my pacifistic tendencies are taking a stronger hold and I don't like fighting, even just sparring among friends. I want to go to something gentler, like yoga. For now I'll have to do that at home because I don't have the money for classes at the present. Well, I'm pretty tired and pretty sure that no one really cares whether I keep writing or not, so I'd rather not, and go to bed :)

A Revelation

I have been reading "a Generous Orthodoxy", by Brian McLaren, and I just finished the chapter on "Why I am a Charismatic/Contemplative". I was taken aback and my heart was exposed as I read Brian's description of a walk he took and the joy that overcame him as he beheld creation around him. He says, "It was the exuberant joy of simply seeing these masterpieces of God's creation...and knowing myself to be among them. It was to be one of them, and to feel and know that "we" - all of these creatures, molecules and phenomena - were together known and loved by God, who embraced us all into the ultimate "We." (I assume he means the Trinity here).
What struck me was, "...and knowing myself to be among them..." I realized that I often marvel at creation and how it screams the glory of God, but I don't ever include myself, or others in that creation. I don't see the glory of God in humans, the very capstone of his creation. I am so oriented to seeing the negatives of life that it is very hard for me to see the beautiful, the lovely, the good, even the glory, both in myself and in others. I realized that there is a deeply deficient place in me that needs to receive the love of God, that needs to accept that I am part of a "good" creation, and that needs to welcome others in as well. I believe this is one of the hardest things we will ever do in life: accept God's love for us. Sin and depravity and brokeness are in our faces every day, but will we, will I seek the "good" and the glory? Will I choose to live in hope, faith and love, rather than pessimism and despair? I really believe Jesus wants to change the tendency in me to always assume the negative, the worst. I believe He can change it and I believe He is. Would you pray for me in this way? That I would receive His love, that I would accept that I can and do reflect His glory, and that I would be freed to allow others to do the same?

A Confession

If you know me and are reading this then, at one time or another, I have had ugly thoughts about you and/or an ugly attitude towards you and I am sorry. I confess that I do not even begin to live up to the character of Christ. I think about the people he loved on and the grace he had and the compassion that moved him to action in their lives and I want to be like him. Recently he has been raking the sands of my heart, turning up rocks of self-addiction and self-righteousness. He is showing me that I walk around with a “holy” chip on my shoulder, letting everyone else know they don’t measure up. I am sorry for acting like there is nothing wrong with me, for acting like I’m not a sinner in desperate need of God’s grace and forgiveness, for looking down my nose at you and, especially, for “disciplining” you by withholding my love and acceptance. I’m sorry for making judgments about you that include the horrible presumption that redemption is impossible in your life. When I really consider you and hear the details of your life and the hurts you have had, my heart breaks with love for you. I long for healing in your life, for wholeness, for peace for you. I really do have the Spirit of Christ living in me but so often I return to my old self. I become self-centered and I stop making room for others. I stop listening, caring and praying. I begin to exclude anyone who doesn’t look like me, which ends up being everyone. I end up not being like Christ at all. I am sorry.
Oswald Chambers says, “Repentance does not bring a sense of sin, but a sense of unutterable unworthiness.” That means I come to a place where I recognize that my homemade righteousness is just rags. I need not only to turn away from all of my bad stuff, but also to repent of every good thing I have tried to do in order to earn God’s grace and affection, when it has already been freely given. It means I rely on Jesus alone to carry me before God and to be the reason I am accepted and loved. It means I am at an end, and there He can begin and He can do what I could never do. He can change me. He can teach me to love you. And I believe that starts with saying, “I’m sorry. I can’t promise I’ll never fail again, in fact I can promise you that I will fail again but not because I want to. I do promise to make confession and repentance an ongoing part of my life. I promise to keep running to Jesus, to ask Him to exchange my heart of stone for a heart of flesh, to ask for fresh love for all the “others” in my life.” Knowing all of that, would you forgive me?
I also want to say that while I often come across as a strong, intimidating and unemotional person I deeply desire to love and be loved. I highly value communication and honesty, even when the words spoken are a rebuke. I would much rather you tell me when it feels like I am not loving you well, than have you pull away in hurt and fear. I want to love you well. Come, let us seek redemption together.

Checking in on myself :)

My friend, Rachel, implied that I need to post something new on my blog so here it is :) I'm living in a great apartment with my friend, Jen. I'm working at a dental office and my kung-fu school, although I've temporarily given up my own kung fu training to get more sleep. I began training for the women's four-miler today. The race is Sept. 5th, my mom's 50th b-day. I'm heading back to Spain for a week between Jun 20 and Jun 27 to help with an English camp my friends are hosting. I think my primary job will be to play sports with the kids. I recently forayed back into the dating world and found that I didn't like it or want it so I forayed out again. Ha. I'm very content with my life except on days like today when I can't sort out why I'm so envious of a certain person and so interested in the affairs of another. When I'm not around those two I don't have two thoughts about them!!!! Ack. I hate my nasty heart sometimes. Especially when I think I'm doing good and can pretend I don't have a sin nature. At least I was reassured by Jesus that though I'm a sinner He has cleansed me, even while I'm being envious of the girl down the church row from me.
Ok, that's enough for now. Oh, and I love my nephew, in case you forgot. Here's a recent pic of him and me :)

Free at Last!!

I have been released from my splint! With the exception of soccer games and kung-fu. Check out the muscle wasting on my right arm. So sad. No tengo que llevar la tablilla mas excepto durante los partidos de fútbol, y kung-fu. Mira cuanto musculo he perdido en las semanas pasadas. ¡Que triste!

Pobre Lokhi

Mi pobre coche ha sufrido un choque esta noche contra dos ciervas. ¿Ves los mechones de pelo bajo la luz? Son de las ciervas. Estoy buena (siempre estoy buena, jajaja). No sufrí daños.

Aqui es una foto de mi muñeca rota por un fútbol. Esta semana es la ultima para llevar la tablilla PERO ya que no puedo mover mi muñeca como normal sin dolor pienso que llevo la tablilla hasta regreso al doctor en dos semanas. Y despues tengo que recibir terapia. ¡Caramba!

p.s.

the wrist is broken. four more weeks of a splint. la muñeca está rota. boo. cuatro semanas mas de una tablilla.